


the diary of bunyip

by bingle



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Companions Questline (Elder Scrolls), Dark Brotherhood (Elder Scrolls) - Freeform, Dawnguard DLC (Elder Scrolls), Diary/Journal, Dragonborn DLC (Elder Scrolls), Gen, Moon Sugar, Not Serious, Skooma, Skyrim Civil War, Skyrim Main Quest, Thieves Guild, attack and dethrone god, bunyip and derkeethus best friends for life, bunyip has no idea whats going at any point in time, bunyip's alignment is chaotic chaotic, he is simply here for fun, no thoughts head empty, uh oh bunyip has Feelings™
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:33:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 21,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24988357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bingle/pseuds/bingle
Summary: bunyip is an argonian on a mission: become a god.
Comments: 46
Kudos: 32





	1. bunyip joins the thieves guild

almost got executed for the sin of traveling to skyrim but a dragon saved me which is nifty i would say.  
stole a tankard by accident and killed a woman who got mad that i stole her tankard. jarl balgruuf wanted me to be his errand boy. thanks but no thanks. ill keep stealing all i can instead of being a yuppie jerk :)  
joined the thieves guild. killed some mercenaries then aringoth. he didn't need to die, i already had what i came for but it seemed like a waste to go all the way up to the second floor of goldenglow estate and just leave without killing him.  
then went on to kill some skeevers and some feral man because maven asked me to. she's a little scary but if it came down to it i think i could beat her in a brawl.  
after i poisoned some mead and mallus took over that meadery in whiterun, brynjolf scratched behind my horns. it was nice :)  
the thieves guild is very nice actually i like it.  
vex is also a scary lady but in a good way this time.  
dirge is large and i think that is cool.  
delvin is bald his head looks like the chicken eggs i stole from riverwood.  
tonilia is nice to me :)  
i dont like the face sculptor though she was mean to me and i am thinking about pushing her into the sewer water.  
i have not approached the people in the cistern because they look too cool for me and i already know sapphire from when i cleared shadr's debt and it would be a bit awkward to say anything now.  
vekel is also here i guess.

bye


	2. bunyip makes a friend

i told maven about the meadery and she gave me a knife. i dont know why she thought i would be grateful for it when i very clearly use a sword but she scares me so i said thanks and left. i immediately sold it. it wasnt even good it was literally just steel.  
anyway mercer told me to go speak to someone in solitude so i did and he refused to give me information so i stole everything in his pockets and followed him for 2 hours. i ended up at the east empire company place and there was a goat in there. i killed some more people and he told me what i wanted to know. at least i think i wanted to know it. told me about some lady called karliah. i have no idea who that is but didnt want to be awkward so i nodded and left.  
mercer got very angry and told me to come with him to a place called “snow veil sanctum” but i would rather get lost in elseweyr and forget how to eat than go in some dank tomb. i think he is still there he may have died of frostbite.  
instead i gave an argonian lady a healing potion and i wanted to know where she got her skooma. i didnt want any but i was curious and ask questions before i think whether its good to ask them or not.  
i went and told the jarl because i guess im a narc now and i didnt want my new friend to get addicted again. she sent me to kill people and my thirst for blood is never slaked so i went and did it and took all of their skooma and moon sugar. i want the best for wujeeta but i literally could not care any less about anyone else. sold the skooma and made potions from the moon sugar.  
i learned how to make potions because i didnt want to look like a loser picking flowers and catching bugs so this gives me an excuse.  
i told the jarl about where the skooma was coming from so she told me to wipe them out. i followed a fox for 20 minutes before remembering what i was doing so i cleared out the cave. the jarl did not give me anything whatsoever except a pat on the head. a metaphorical one. an actual pat on the head would have been nice :)  
did some odd jobs for delvin and vex until i got bored of doing that.  
there was a beggar in solitude asking for help but if you describe yourself as a madman i do not trust you. i gave him a coin and left. played tag with the kids and by that i mean i ran as fast as i could out of solitude.  
maul keeps threatening to kill me if i cross the black-briars and i mean i wasnt planning on it but i do want to see if i could beat him in a fight.

bye


	3. bunyip's first betrayal

i started to feel kinda bad for leaving mercer to die of frostbite so i went to snow veil sanctum and learned a few things:  
1\. draugr smell absolutely disgusting  
2\. mercer frey is a punk bitch  
3\. karliah is cool actually  
so everyone thought karliah killed some bloke called gallus but then it turns out it was actually mercer who killed him. i would be shocked if i ever paid attention and knew who either of these people were to begin with. karliah gave me a journal and told me to go to markarth which was fun. i’d never been to markarth before and one of the guards outside told me it was the safest city in the reach.  
the second i was inside i nearly witnessed a murder. i killed the man trying to kill someone else. some say i saved a life, i just call it an excuse for more murder. a man told me to meet him at the temple of talos and turned me into some sort of detective. i don’t remember much of what happened but i do remember beating some guy up and when i went back to tell eltrys what i learned he was dead and there were guards everywhere.  
they sent me to prison and i think i joined a cult? i am not really sure but i got out and remembered why i came to markarth in the first place. i got some rubbings of the falmer language and stole every piece of dwemer scrap metal i could find. went back to karliah and her buddy enthir and it turns out mercer’s been stealing from the guild for years. she gave me a sword which is so much better than my current one and i almost cried.  
back at the guild we’re all friends now and brynjolf told me to go break into mercer’s home and he said i was allowed to kill anyone that got in my way. i think that was one of the happiest moments of my life.  
i stole everything from mercer’s home that wasn’t nailed down and a few things that were. after getting what i came for i saw a sick sword in a display case and you bet your ass i took it. already better than the one karliah gave me. his house lead directly back to the ragged flagon which i have to admit is smart but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s a punk bitch.

bye


	4. bunyip sells his soul

ok so was anyone going to tell me nightingales were real or was i just going to have to become one myself? karliah told me and bryn to meet her near a standing stone and on the way i was catching butterflies and some guy gave me his boots and told me if i double-crossed him he’d kill me. i wanted to see what would happen next so i didn’t kill him and a hunter asked me if i’d seen someone with the boots the other guy gave me so i said no, you know, like a liar and just killed the hunter for fun and entertainment. i never saw the other guy again. free boots, hell yeah.  
anyway so i sold my soul to nocturnal and got some cool new armour. me karliah and bryn went to a dwemer ruin to go kill mercer and honestly i don’t know how he lived this long without someone killing him already. when we found him he made bryn go feral and attack karliah so i got to kill him myself. the place started flooding and they were panicking and yknow tough luck and all but im an argonian. rip to you i guess but im different.  
we managed to get out safely and karliah told me to go return the skeleton key to the twilight sepulchre. the key that never breaks and unlocks any door. return it. i returned it because i crave any form of validation i can get and it was fun killing ghosts. i dont really know how that works but i wont ask questions im not prepared to know the answers to.  
when i got back to the flagon bryn gave me a pat on the head. a proper one !!! not the dumb metaphorical one the jarl gave me. i remembered he made me guildmaster or whatever but i wasnt really paying attention.  
did more odd jobs for vex and delvin. he was very proud of me when i gave him one of the eyes of the falmer. i had to go to windhelm at one point but im an argonian im not allowed in there. turns out i severely overestimated the intelligence of the average windhelm citizen because no one noticed my tail. i went back to markarth a few times and i think the guards are both deaf and blind because somehow not one of them noticed me jumping over a fire pit to go steal something from someone in understone keep.  
a guy in solitude got me to plant some balmora blue on someone’s boat but that cost 1,000 septims ???? of course i could buy it ten times over but i simply did not want to so i stole it instead and planted it. i found a cool shield too and stole it. now i can bribe guards in solitude as well as people in riften which is pretty neat.  
also i learned to summon a flame atronach and she is my friend. i dont know her name and she wont say anything to me but she has killed in my name and thats all that really matters.

bye


	5. bunyip becomes guildmaster

i have stolen so many things and planted so many stolen items in people’s houses, man. i was dropping off an amethyst in someone’s house in windhelm and i saw she’d left a flute out so i put it away in a drawer. why did i do that? for fun? to inconvenience her? either way it will cause a problem for her which i love.  
i did a few more special jobs for delvin. one was in windhelm where all i had to do was kill some people. i also committed some light arson for fun and enjoyment. delvin liked how i burned down their banner which made me happy :)  
in markarth where i am still a wanted man, i was sent to kill more people !!! there were a lot of bandits and they were talking but i was absolutely not listening. there was a woman who was very strong i had to fight. i let out a battle cry. sure, a lot of people might have mistaken it for a sudden yelp of unmanly fear, but trust me. it was a battle cry. oh yeah i also robbed their treasure room and gave some mold or something to a guy ?? i am not sure but delvin was again happy with me :)  
then in whiterun i had to forge some info in dragonsreach and steal a letter and there is certainly a reason i never took vex’s numbers jobs. well, i may not be smart enough to do everything but i am certainly dumb enough to try anything. it didn’t turn out badly so i guess its ok but i do not want to do that again it was far too stressful for me.  
i got back to the cistern and brynjolf told me to go to the centre of it and boy i had no idea what was going on but i was excited !!! so i was made guildmaster and i am not at all qualified for that because i do not know half of the guild members. i also feel like i was put on nirn to do one thing. luckily i forgot what it was so i can do whatever i want. they gave me a swanky new bed too !!!! i can sleep super comfy now :)  
i went to whiterun in my nifty new armour tonilia gave me and i made a new friend !!! her name is carlotta valentia and she sells fruits and vegetables :) they are tasty and fresh and she gives me a discount because she likes me :)  
some rude guy wouldn’t leave her alone and i offered to kill him for her but she said that just getting him to stop would be enough. i walked up to him with my sword drawn and he was all “what do you think you’re doing?” but that just means stop. he didn’t actually want to know my thought process. i told him anyway and though he claimed not to know fear, i could see it clearly in his eyes. he said he’d leave carlotta alone :)  
little mila is very sweet too !!!! she is very good at tag, very speedy !! she will grow up strong i am certain of it. oh speaking of strong i had a fistfight with a lady in the bannered mare and she said if i ever need her help she’ll be at my side. it was very sweet of her however i do not require witnesses to see me act like a dumbass so i said no <3  
anyway back to mila, she thinks my scales are pretty and is very eager to pat my head or scratch behind my horns. some people give me weird looks for it but my mother used to do it and it reminds me of her, its always a reassuring source of comfort :) also people who think its odd for me to enjoy headscritches are simply cowards who have not had good headscritches.  
uh oh i just remembered i promised tonilia i’d give some moon sugar to one of the khajiit caravans uuhhhhh i’d better get to that

bye :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to the 2 of you who bookmarked, this is for you and only you. i love you. here are your funky argonian adventures. <3


	6. bunyip becomes a bard

i spent four days tracking that caravan <3  
i found a cool rock and then a lady told me to take it to a mountain and i was afraid of disappointment so i went on my merry way up a mountain. apparently a daedric prince (meridia i think i wasnt really focused) wanted me to kill people which is my whole thing.  
i really got to know my atronach while we were there. honestly i wasnt sure i was summoning the same one each time but now i know her name is mariah, she left it in burn marks on corpses :)  
i got another cool sword but this one glows so sorry bye chillrend. oh yeah daedra lady flung me into the air and back to the ground twice which wasn't very nice :(  
yknow based on statistical evidence i think i am immortal. i have not died yet.  
after that ordeal i realised i wanted a house because a bed and a chest is simply not enough for my high standards. i did so many tasks for people in riften and none of them were morally correct except the parcel i delivered.  
i went on a walk to shor's stone and a lady there sent me with a parcel to darkwater crossing and while i was there a little girl told me about an argonian called derkeethus who went missing by the pools and though my morals are questionable at best, skyrim is not kind to my brothers and sisters so i do my best to be.  
i found him in a cave filled with falmer and chaurus and i got ataxia and i should probably get it cured now that i think about it.  
anyway he was trapped and he seemed terrified when he saw me until he realised im not a falmer. a bit offended i could be confused for one but that's life baby!  
i got him out of the cave and he had a bit of a moment. i do not know how long he was in there but it definitely seemed like it was far too long. had to be sure he was safe so i walked him back to darkwater crossing and he told me about how he ended up in the cave in the first place.  
he was just super bored with life like the fella just woke up, mined, slept and that's literally it. he wanted a bit of adventure and i don't blame him, if i was cooped up like that i would Just Die.  
we got to the crossing and he seemed hesitant to say bye ? i thought maybe "oh yay a new friend i can visit" but really, what's one person witnessing my dumb activities? i let him tag along :)  
back at the coolguy hq of riften i bought a house and decorated it and there was a lady in my home. she said she was my housecarl but then introduced herself as iona. make up your mind you cannot have two names that is greedy. she has a cool looking axe though so she can stay.  
i thought it'd be fun to join the bards college because i have a beautiful singing voice. i am just amazing trust me. on the way to solitude a khajiit came out of nowhere and tried to kill us and derkeethus went absolutely mental on him like i gave him my nightingale armour and chillrend and he is a beast.  
as an induction to the bards college we were sent to go get a book or whatever and there's a good chance i may have committed some light treason by killing a king but it's totally ok if he's already dead right. right?  
well if a dead ancestor didn't appear in the sky to stop me then it can't have been that bad of an idea. and now i've killed a king! you know what they say, what doesn't kill me makes me real cocky about the next thing that tries.  
derkeethus was a legend as always, decimating those draugr. what a cool fella.  
we took olaf's verse back to the college and it was incomplete so for a laugh i said that olaf was numinex and i could've done better but it was the first thing that came to my head. viarmo loved it so he presented it to elisif and she loved it too !! elisif is nice :)  
we had a fun festival thing that night !! derkeethus was looking for something to actually burn the effigy of olaf with but i don't need kindling to start a fire, all i need are these hands and a lack of supervision.  
i snuck all the sweets to the kids and gave derkeethus my free pie, poor lad must've been starved of any good food when he was captive.  
so then we got absolutely obliterated on spiced wine. i snuck into the blue palace to steal more alcohol because we ran out. it was one of the most fun experiences i've ever had !! :)  
i vaguely remember killing the chef at the college because he was rude to me but nobody cared and i woke up at the winking skeever. gulum-ei apparently found me and derkeethus leaning on each other trying to stumble to the nearest inn and took pity on us. i knew having people fear me was a smart business move.  
luckily i am fairly good with restoration magic if i do say so myself and i do say so! no hangovers for us so we played tag with the kids !! i am too fast for their little legs. one of them wanted me to make her mother go to temple so i went to her house and the lady was like "what are you doing here" so i was like "i should ask you the same question" but then she informed me that it was her house so maybe i should've asked her a different question.  
gave her an amulet that i stole from a corpse when i first came to solitude so that came in handy.  
we're on our way to whiterun at the moment, i want to introduce carlotta and mila to derkeethus !! we're camping at a bandit fortress we just cleared out and i haven't drawn anything in a long time, i think i will draw derkeethus while he watches the fire :)  
i may be a touch rusty but i do not care for your judgement, i don't even know who you are. how did you get my diary anyway ?? am i dead ??? who knows

bye :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i am going to make art with my little goblin hands and then make you look at it


	7. bunyip has a near-death experience

derkeethus always shoots down my ideas and i am sick of it. two sentences in and he’s already saying “what the hell bunyip that’s illegal” and “you can’t do that”. let me talk, friend. he didn’t let me commit any crimes in whiterun. not one! him and carlotta get on well which is good !! mila likes him too :)  
before we went to whiterun we got some errands from people in the college to go fetch their lost instruments or whatever. we walked for so long but it wasn’t so bad, we got to know each other a lot more!!! at one point though he was not listening it was like  
“derk you’re clearly not listening. i can say whatever i want now, can’t i?”  
“tell me about it”  
“i murdered several people last night”  
“i feel you”  
“now i have the taste for blood, i can’t stop murdering””  
“been there”  
it was obviously a lie of course i have had the taste for blood for many years.  
we killed some bandits which is always super fun then we got to some necromancers. one of them said she’d make me sorry i was ever born but the joke’s on her, i’m already sorry i was ever born!  
necromancers are a different breed man, i killed one and his buddy immediately brought him back as a tool to use in battle like thats just wild.  
once we said bye bye to them, it was off to some place by a pond. we stopped to catch some fish and lost track of time. we were there for like three hours.  
so there’s some cultish stuff going on there? some guy wanted to be brought back from the dead and if he just worked with the necromancers we just dealt with then they’d have both been way bigger issues. so turns out he was really strong and kept summoning clones of himself and derkeethus was getting all worried but i was like  
“hey. don’t worry. i’m the one who got us into this mess, so i’ll be the one who gets us much, much deeper into this mess” and i honestly don’t know why he puts up with me half the time.  
we won eventually and i was so focused on healing derkeethus and making sure he was ok that i did not notice i was in considerable pain. well, well, well, if it wasn’t my old friend, the dawning realisation that i messed up real bad! nice of it to visit before i passed out :)  
we were fairly near shor’s stone and luckily there was a healer there. i don’t know why derk was so worried, she said all my bleeding was internal. that’s where my blood is supposed to be!  
because i am a special boy and the hist loves me i was quick to recover and became the very errand boy i swore to destroy. we delivered something to windhelm and derk was a little wary of going there but not a single person in the city noticed or cared that there was a lizard invasion. yknow thinking on it now i kinda wanna go to dawnstar. it seems nice over there. i’m gonna ask derk hold on.  
ok he says yes we’re gonna go to dawnstar. i hope they give us a room with two beds at the inns we stop at. i don’t mind sharing but he keeps hoarding the blankets and i am quite frankly sick of it.

bye


	8. bunyip joins the dark brotherhood

i want to be a cool unshakeable hero but instead i do one nice thing for a person and have to struggle not to cry when he thanks me. when me and derk got to dawnstar there was this elf called erandur who wanted to stop people having nightmares and i think nightmares are more of a personal problem but it seemed fun so i offered to help. erandur was happy to have help but said it’s probably best for only one person to tag along so derk waited at the inn.  
that was a horrible choice on erandur’s part, derk is about 80% of my impulse control at this point and they both severely underestimate the trouble i will get into when unsupervised. it’s nice to be underestimated for once. i am usually not estimated at all. people just think, “oh, look at that argonian, i have no estimates about him”.  
he seemed hesitant to tell me he was in a cult but i kill for fun when i get bored so im not one to judge. on anything. my cool glowy sword i got from that one god or whoever was super useful here since it has a grudge against the undead. the whole experience was pretty surreal but i remember having to find a book and drink a potion and i had no problems with that. it’s part of my general approach to my life. i pick something up, have a good look at it, and if it looks tasty then that thing goes all the way in my mouth. and if it doesn’t try to get back out of my mouth? it’s going down the hatch.  
so i went back in time or something? it was weird and there were attackers and when i got out of it i was annoyed. it actually hurt! like, real pain! erandur asked what i was expecting. oh, i don’t know, ghost pain! you get really uncomfortable and cold for a bit and then get the chills! not like… BOOM, BROKEN SPINE!  
we got to this staff thing and there were two people who didn’t want us to be there but i don’t think they wanted my sword through their stomachs either so they didn’t really get what they hoped for in that situation.  
while erandur was doing his thing and destroying the staff another god (i think) spoke to me? she told me to kill erandur because he was going to turn on me but, really, come on lady. i like erandur he is nice to me and calls me “son”. if she just told me to kill him then maybe i could respect that but he wouldn’t turn on me. i like daedra normally !! i do, i do, it’s because i kinda look like one. the horns, the black scales? well some of them are red but that just makes me look even more like one to be fair.  
while i was thinking about this he finished up and didn’t turn on me !! always nice to not be dead :)  
we left and with that dealt with i grabbed derk and just peaced out of dawnstar, that was absolutely enough for me. i had an idea and it always worries him when i have one of those but i told him to just remember i’m his best buddy with extremely questionable morals, what could possible go wrong?  
there was this old woman running the orphanage in riften and she was awful. notice the past tense there? yeah i strolled in and chopped her head clean off. nobody cared. i didn’t even try to hide it and as far as i can tell i don’t even have a bounty. it may have traumatised the children there but that’s a bit of a negative way to look at it, i will call it character development.  
derk tried telling me i would get executed for that but i had to ask him not to joke about execution, i was executed once and it offends me. he wondered how i survived and it was solely out of spite! :)  
he remembered some kid who wanted an assassin and i was down to help so we swung by windhelm and what a lovely coincidence, he wanted me to kill the old woman i had literally just killed! how convenient :)  
i got a plate as payment but i don’t have any silverware and have been eating with my bare hands since i’ve been in skyrim so it’s very useful actually. we hopped on a carriage to whiterun because there were so many things in pockets i didn’t even know i had and i was going to make mallus buy all of them. we said hello to carlotta and mila while we were there and got some more fruit !! carlotta’s fruit is always very fresh i would never betray her by buying fruit from anyone else.  
we stuck around and chatted for a bit and i intimidated people into buying her produce :)  
it got dark so we got a room at the inn and i woke up in a shack which was not very pleasant. my initial reaction was to bully whoever took me here but i pretended to be asleep for a minute to think on it. “go to hell” is a little too vague. “get trapped in a swamp for 67 days”, now that’s specific. that’s possible. that’s terrifying. she ignored my beautifully crafted insult and told me i took a dark brotherhood kill and then to kill some more. i only had to kill one person she had tied up but she went through so much effort to get them all here so all of them died. then, get this! she invited me to join the brotherhood!! kill more people and i also get to make money!!!  
when i found derk again i caught him up on what happened and we went to their sanctuary. he didn’t want to come inside which is fair. there are a lot of nice people in the brotherhood !! i like nazir he’s funny :) babette is cool too, she gave me a vial of poison as a welcome gift :)  
nazir gave me some people to kill and it was fun! two of them were asleep when we got to them but there was a lady in dawnstar i taunted into attacking me first so i could just kill her without getting a bounty. someone didn’t like that i went as far to remove her head from her body so i used the age-old technique of “grievously injure someone until they either leave me alone or get stronger, and i take credit for it”.  
i got back to the sanctuary and there’s a new person!!! his name is cicero and he has a cool jester outfit thing going on. he’s the keeper, looks after the night mother so i’m fairly sure that makes him the highest authority here. he is not entirely sane and that is okay i like him too :)  
oh !! nazir just told me astrid wants to see me, i hope she’s giving me more people to kill :)

bye :)


	9. bunyip hears voices - one voice, but you know

alright so we’re off to go talk to a lady in markarth and i think i can pay off my bounty while we’re there. it’s around 5,000 septims so it’s not too high but i’m the guildmaster so maybe they’ll give me a discount. we’ll see!  
in markarth now! - they gave me a discount. :)  
i met the lady, muiri, and she sent me to kill her gross ex and some other lady for a bonus. honestly just killing someone is enough of a bonus for me. i found her ex (alain i think he was called ?? it’s the name of a gross person so i think it’s about right) and killed all his bandit henchmen and i let derk get the last hit on alain. it’s rewarding to kill a genuinely bad person and also if i can desensitize him now then maybe he’ll come into the sanctuary and meet my new friends one day.  
i just killed the other woman in windhelm in the markets, broad daylight, and walked out. literally not a single guard stopped me. i had expected to pay off a discounted bounty but no, i just got to leave. won’t look a gift horse in the mouth! or any horse, from any angle. i don’t like horses. they’re too tall and they don’t care about the emotions of others.  
got my payment from muiri and at the cooler guy hq of the sanctuary, astrid said she had a personal job for me. i had to break into the night mother’s coffin and eavesdrop on cicero which seemed super disrespectful but i didn’t want her to get angry at me so i did it. apparently cicero was heard talking with someone and could be conspiring against the brotherhood but i mean he’s literally the keeper so i trust him.  
as it turns out, he was just talking to the night mother. and she spoke to me. i won’t lie i thought i was finally going insane, thought it would’ve already happened by now but the voices i was hearing were perfectly normal, not-insane voices. alright.  
cicero was super happy to have found the listener and it was the most unbridled affection i have ever received in my life, i almost cried. correction, i did cry. when nobody was around to see. i’m a cool, stoic person. me and cicero chatted for a while and i think if anything happened to him i would burn down the entire sanctuary.  
astrid was uncomfy that her authority was being challenged and sent me to nazir to get some more contracts. every time i go to find him at his table i always leap down from the stairs and knock his food everywhere like the problem i am. he’ll get sick of it, eventually, but he hasn’t just yet. i will continue doing this until i am forcibly stopped.  
one contract was just an orc bard who went down in his sleep.  
the other one was a vampire but technically two vampires since they were very protective of each other. i asked nazir the best way to deal with vampires and he said that old stories tell of killing vampires by stabbing them through the heart with a wooden stake but as an expert on stabbing, i have to say that would kill just about anyone.  
anyway my no-undead-allowed sword dealt with them pretty well since i only had to actually kill one of them. the explosion turned the other one to dust and i put it in a pouch to use for potions :)  
mallus is slowly growing more concerned with what i am selling him since it is very clear these things are not stolen but are taken from the corpses of people i have killed. i think the bloodstains give it away.  
seems like astrid got over herself kinda and said i could go to volunruud. it’s some place the night mother wanted me to go to so i am looking forward to it !!  
derk came with me into the sanctuary this time, too! he gets on with nazir and babette and is a little wary of cicero but he trusts that i trust him or something along those lines.  
very happy i have so many new friends and that they all get along so well!! there’s also arnbjorn, veezara, gabriella and festus krex. i don’t speak with them much but i like veezara, he is a marsh-brother!!

bye :)


	10. bunyip's second betrayal

i have never broken a bone which just seems too suspicious to me i probably don’t have any bones. so over at that place miss night mother sent me to, turns out i’m gonna be killing the emperor in the near future! fun :)  
he gave me a necklace for upfront payment and i had to play courier taking it to astrid then to delvin then going back to astrid. delvin didn’t seem to care that i am a murderous assassin but then again i suppose it’s not much of a surprise to him. mr motierre and his… guard? boyfriend? whatever the guy in the cave is to him, i don’t really care, they’re rich !! elder council stuff, buddy buddy with the emperor.  
first thing, we got to go to a wedding !! killing the bride was an added bonus really, i’ve never been to a wedding before. me and derk fully enjoyed the party for a few hours before we actually killed vittoria. we even dressed all fancy! derk said we look like idiots and yeah, fair enough, but we were fancy idiots.  
i killed her by crushing her with this big thing. i genuinely do not know what it was but it was loose and heavy so it’s good enough for me! however i did not hide quickly enough and ended up massacreing most of the solitude guards in my escape. veezara came and helped out!! forget the nightingales, me derk and vee are the true trinity. i told derk i don’t know how i keep messing stealth up so badly and he said he didn’t either and that he was honestly kind of impressed. he hoped i had a way to get us out of that mess and i certainly did, but he was not going to like it :)  
mariah was brought back to help us out and the added chaos of a flame atronach was enough to get us out. there were many explosions and if my maths is correct, which it usually is not, my bounty should be about 17,000 septims in murders alone. oh, i took vittoria’s wedding wreath too. it looks lovely on me, if i do say so myself.  
gabriella sent us to go kill a guy’s son and plant fake orders on him that made it seem like he was trying to kill the emperor. she said to steal his schedule but that’s not how i typically get my information. i find the person and then i put the fear of me into them, but i did it her way.  
we got him in windhelm and someone was being very very unnecessarily rude to my bestest friend derkeethus. he was ranting about it and noticed i was quiet, he asked if i wanted him to be quiet but no, no, i was just plotting their murder, is all! he continued but the same could not be said for the life of that nord :)  
cicero attacked vee and arnbjorn then peaced out to the sanctuary in dawnstar. astrid told me to kill him but she set him off, but he attacked vee, but you’re not supposed to attack your family members, but she was abandoning the old ways? it was a very confusing situation for me and i didn’t even decide if i was going to kill him or not until i got to him. astrid gave me a horse to get there quickly and i know what i said about horses before but this one is nice. he has red eyes and lets me pet his nose. i like him :)  
me and derk both fit on shadowmere quite nicely, he is a large lad!! so we were talking about what to do when we got there and i remembered one of cicero’s journals saying something about ghosts guarding the sanctuary. my understanding of battle with ghosts is fairly straightforward. hit them with the no-ghosts-or-other-undead-allowed shiny sword until they’re dead. if they come back, hit them again. repeat as necessary.  
arnbjorn was very hurt so i used my top notch restoration skills to patch him up and sent him back to the sanctuary. not on shadowmere. he’s a werewolf, he can run.  
i thought cicero was cool before but he can magically amplify his voice ??? that’s super cool honestly. we killed some ghosts and a frost troll then we got to my buddy. he was lying on the floor but i don’t think he could be downed that easily, he wouldn’t die if i left him. i very slowly and very gently placed my best healing potion near him because i love him very dearly but i do not know what to expect from the little man.  
a dawnstar guard showed up in the sanctuary on our way out and he seemed lost so i helped him find his way to the void.  
i told astrid i killed cicero, you know, like a liar, and festus sent me off to go kill a chef to impersonate him and after a quick murder in markarth and hiding a body in a mead barrel, there is no way derk is not desensitized to this stuff by now. next on the menu was to poison the emperor’s meal with a cool plant from astrid. i had to make derk hold onto it because the temptation to eat it was way too strong for me. i was all kitted out in my chef’s clothes and my writ of passage let me into the castle dour kitchens! derk was let in because i told them he was my bodyguard and i think they just didn’t want to be rude because he is a very intimidating sight in the nightingale armour and in no way looks like a bodyguard.  
well it didn’t really work. it wasn’t the real emperor and the dad of that guy i killed earlier said he made a deal with astrid that he gets me and the brotherhood gets to keep on but he’s actually destroying the sanctuary and that. was not nice. of either of them.  
the plan was: we go in, start killing people, see where it takes us. the new plan once we saw the fire was to wing it! it probably wouldn’t work, but we decided on it with a lot of confidence.  
i blocked out a lot of what happened because seeing all of my friends die isn’t a fun experience, but i remember saving nazir. this whole thing was significantly more destructive than i was expecting. nazir asked if we shouldn’t be running and i agreed that it would probably be for the best, yes.  
that was when i heard the night mother speaking to me. she said that the only way to survive was to embrace her and i thought that was a really weird way of saying “get in the coffin”. i dragged derk in because if he were to enter the void they’d have to open the gates and let me join him, and suddenly the world outside was nothing compared to the one i was holding in my arms. that’s. that’s something i should probably think about. i’ll put it in the box, appropriately labelled “things i need to think about”.  
after passing out, nazir managed to get us both out of the coffin which could really do with some air holes, it’s super stuffy in there. the night mother told me to go see astrid who i honestly thought would be dead by now. she performed the black sacrament for herself and she also was the sacrament. she looked like a crisp lasagna. i told her that, when she got to the void, to tell sithis i sent her and then to apologise on my behalf for the inconvenience. night mother sent us to whiterun to see mr motierre about killing the actual emperor. i got to stop by and see carlotta and mila again!!! more fruits after another near-death experience :)  
the real emperor was on a ship which was no issue since i can swim very well. it is one of the few things i can do with any competence. we killed a lot of people and i found a cool sword. it’s curved. curved!!  
mr emperor was actually a very nice man who just let me kill him after we had a little chat. he wanted me to kill the person who set the contract and literal permission from the literal emperor to kill a person is one of the greatest things i have ever been given in my life, and the gods saw fit to give me derkeethus. yeah, i definitely need to give that a good think.  
after taking every single book and shiny thing in his room, i slit his throat and hopped off the ship.  
we paid a lovely little visit to commander maro where i carefully removed his head from his shoulders. that wasn’t part of the contract, it was just for me and derk. then we went on our merry way back to whiterun, killed motierre, got the payment and refurbished the dawnstar sanctuary !! cicero’s in the sanctuary now, so that makes me, derk, nazir, babette, him, and two initiates i have felt too awkward to greet. they seem to think i’m a cool silent listener and i am not going to be the one to change their minds on that.  
just sitting in whiterun now, processing all that’s happened and hang on this is the cutest thing i have ever seen in my entire life i need to get this on paper so i can see it whenever i need to because carlotta and mila are the most adorable people to exist.

bye :)


	11. bunyip joins the companions

i found a cool book talking about some place called arkgnthamz??? i don’t know how to write or say it. it sounds like someone stubbed their toe and named the place after the noise they made.  
me n derk headed over to see what the fuss was about and a ghost lady called katria told me to leave but then immediately let me stay and even tagged along. i feel like if you are going to be guarding a place and kicking out intruders you should stick to your position on it but i’ve never been a ghost trying to keep people out of a place so what do i know.  
there were a bunch of little earthquakes and if i didn’t almost die several times then i’d think they were pretty cool. katria told us something about someone stealing her work but i wasn’t really paying attention. i was a little too busy trying to stop myself from leaping into the water and having a swim.  
we killed so many falmer and their weird little bugs and dwarven stuff and we got to a tonal lock. i don’t know what it is or how it works but i hit things at random and it worked first try, because i am an absolute genius with such a big and wrinkly brain.  
anyway we got through the ruin and found a little blue thing. it seemed underwhelming but it was shiny and i like shiny things, i have a collection. i also have a collection of dwarven scrap metal. maybe i just like collecting things.  
anyway katria said there were three more shards i could find and i absolutely wanted more shinies for my stash so me and derk went off to that place we killed muiri’s ex. his body was still there. i don’t know what i was really expecting but there were more bandits just hanging around his corpse.  
nothing interesting happened really, we killed more things and spent way longer than we should’ve trying to find this one gear to remove some bone or whatever from it. i don’t know how it took so long to occur to us, the two argonians who can breathe underwater and swim very well, to look underwater. the last gear was underwater.  
we had to scrap it out with a big centurion and mariah saved us. they are big and scary and she is very brave.  
another shard down, another blue shiny for my pockets.  
the next one was fairly easy, it was just behind a locked gate. i am a thief. lockpicking is kinda my thing. a third blue shiny for the collection !!  
the last one was literally just out in the open. anyone could’ve walked past and taken it. after i grabbed it katria told us to go to the forge ?? i know i don’t pay attention much so that may be why but i had no idea we were going to a forge. i was just collecting shiny things and not questioning the ghost lady that was helping me do it.  
it was at about that point where i was carrying too many swords and i could barely move but i could not be blamed. swords are cool and i like them :) i asked derk to hold some and he said, “to oblivion and back, as they say”. i replied with a very well-spoken, “yeah” and my voice did not crack. it did not. it did, i’m lying to myself.  
we got to where katria sent us to and the blue shinies combined into one big blue shiny !! i yoinked it and a big entry came out of the ground it was wild. we went in and a bunch of dwarven stuff was attacking us and then a massive centurion came out of nowhere and attacked us. when i say massive i mean massive, like, size category: fuck. it was it against me, derk, katria and mariah though so it wasn’t so tough.  
then i understood why we were in a forge. i grabbed stuff and made a funky crown that not only looks amazing (the blue is the same colour as my eyes, it really brings out the colour) but also will accelerate my apotheosis.  
katria left after that which was sad because i grew attached to her she was very nice :(  
we went back home to drop some stuff off and some thugs attacked me. turns out someone hired people to kill me but couldn’t exactly use the brotherhood for that. i kept their contracts and i am thinking of starting a collection.  
i missed my family in the brotherhood, still do, so i went over to the companions in whiterun!! their name literally means friends. i would like friends :)  
i remember the names of none of them except farkas. he is big and strong and dumb as a box of rocks :)  
i had to fight his brother as a sort of induction and i absolutely wasted him. farkas sent me n derk to go deal with some vampires which was no problem with my good old no-vampires-or-other-undead-and-ghosts-count-too shiny sword. i only needed to kill two of them, the rest turned to more dust for my potions. when we got back to uhm. yorv. jor? jorva. the companions guild hall, they cruelly separated me and derk. they wanted me to go with farkas to some place to get a fragment of some axe or whatever and i couldn’t have derk with me because farkas needed to test my courage and skill. i killed many draugr and some people too. farkas turned into a werewolf which is pretty nifty i would say. big dog. good dog.  
we’re on our way back to the guild hall at the moment, just stopped to make camp since it’s dark out.  
i miss derk, it’s taken ages to get here and back and i don’t know how long we spent in that musty tomb. he said he’d head back to darkwater crossing to see how everyone was doing. i hope he got back safe.  
farkas keeps refusing to let me pet him which is not very nice but something in the tone of his voice says “maybe one day” so i look forward to petting him.

bye


	12. bunyip becomes harbinger

my life isn’t nearly as glamorous as my wanted poster makes it look. i got inducted into the companions and i thought i was already in ?? i got your fragments like come on i thought we were friends. you showed me your werewolf form come on.  
an old guy told me to go kill an escaped criminal and i was a little hesitant because it might have been someone i knew but i didnt want to be difficult so i accepted his task. i immediately rode shadowmere directly to darkwater crossing and picked up derk. he was happy to see everyone again but eager to set out again. we tracked down the criminal and luckily it wasnt anyone we knew.  
back at the mead hall, same old man from before said he wanted to speak to me at the underforge at night which wasnt suspicious at all. i hadnt been in the companions for long and i already found out theyre werewolves so i was worried they would harvest my organs or something but i was curious so i went. aela was in there but like. as a werewolf. she let me pat her head though unlike farkas the meanie :(  
i had to drink her blood and become one of them which was a little odd. id only been in the companions for a week at this point and they already wanted me to join the circle. there are others whod been in longer than me that probably deserved it more but i wanted to be a big dog too so i sipped the blood and it was certainly an experience.  
i killed a bunch of whiterun guards and ate their hearts. derk was entirely supportive of my new violent dog nature which was nice of him <3  
i woke up in the middle of nowhere and aela was already telling me to kill some werewolf hunters. im down for that but, in that moment, did i really look like a person who had full control of his limbs and existence on this plane of reality? derk helped me up and luckily i had not a single injury. i injure myself by stepping on bones and rocks. i wont question it!  
we killed a bunch of the hunters and got to some woman called krev. i made fun of her dumb name and she was all “how dare you mock me in such a manner?”.  
i simply asked how she’d like me to mock her since i do take requests but my excellent humour was lost on her. derk shot her directly in the throat before she could make a retort and i think it was for the best because anything she said would’ve made the fact that she killed the old man so much more infuriating. i may not have known his name but he was kind and, just, really? can i not go one month without my guildmates dying? the only ones i know and would actually miss are farkas, aela and kodlak but theyre strong so they should be fine.  
from then on me and aela did a bit of sneaky sneaky stuff to the silver hand. by that i mean she sent me and derk to do stuff. we got more fragments of ysgramors axe that i cannot spell and got their plans.  
when we got back to aela she said we got found out and kodlak wanted to speak to us and he told us to go kill some witches and bring back their heads. i didnt care for the reason why, i was just excited to get more potion stuff since they usually have a bunch of ingredients lying around. they had spiders. SPIDERS. we’ve had to fight a fair few and i despise them. i hate them so so much. they do not need that many legs!!!! >:c  
we get back to the mead hall, happy to have done something for kodlak who i actually really liked, and wouldn’t you know it? he. was. dead. and the silver hand took our fragments. vilkas went with me n derk to go get them back and we exterminated the rest of the silver hand while we were there. a guy there who seemed to be the leader of this outpost had the sheer audacity to try to mock me. that’s my thing, i do the mocking. it was weak anyway, he just asked if i was mad that he killed my harbinger. no, actually, i wasnt mad. just angry. and furious. and about to set him on fire with my shiny sword. which i did. he did not have a fun death.  
kodlaks funeral was sad but the blacksmith guy put the axe back together and we were off to ysgramors tomb to cure kodlaks lycanthropy. maybe after this farkas would let me pet him. it wasnt very eventful until the end really, just killing some ghosts and spiders. more damned spiders. farkas couldnt deal with them though because he’d developed a phobia of them and i really cant blame him they are horrid creatures. i would also give my life for farkas he’s just a big friendly fella. he reminds me of arnbjorn, a bit.  
so i threw a witch head in a fire and killed a wolf spirit and kodlak was off to sovngarde. i decided i didnt want to be a doggy anymore because i very greatly value my sleep and i couldnt sleep very well as a big dog. killed my own wolf spirit and farkas said i was a good friend to him !! he let me pet him once i let him know kodlak said i should be harbinger. his fur is softer than aela’s. probably because he is soft in the head. why do all these guilds make me leader, anyway? maybe im just that cool.  
the nords in whiterun who support the stormcloaks were so annoying and i was finally done with ulfric’s shit so i decided to join the imperials, derk was happy to join with me !!! it was a little awkward fighting for the empire when i killed the emperor but it wasnt anything personal so its fine. we cleared out a fort to prove we’re strong enough to join the legion and it was therapeutic to kill people who only wanted me dead because of my general presence, not because of me specifically being there.  
one of them nearly killed derk so i used the paralysis spell i learned a little while ago to keep the man still while i healed derk, then proceeded to bash the bandit to death with my shield. i know im a dangerous criminal and all with a long history of violence but that was a moment of violence for me. i could think about what that means, and i really should, probably, but i could also keep all those thoughts away from my mind and then one day i will die.  
we’re off to a cave next to get a crown or something, sounds fun!!

bye :)


	13. bunyip absorbs his first soul

the crown thing is dumb to me. like, some weird hat is a symbolic thing that boosts morale? the only thing i need to boost morale are these hands. there was a tough draugr at the end of the tomb wearing the crown and he shouted my sword out of my hand which was very rude. hey ho, when one door closes, choose a nearby wall and bash it in with brute force! i punched him to death.  
all the draugr had derk thinking n he told me that when you break a bone it typically grows back stronger. i think what he was saying was that i should break every bone in my body until i become invincible. still not convinced i have bones but i guess we will find out eventually!  
took it back to mr tullius and he gave me some documents for jarl balgruuf. when i tried to give them to him he refused to speak to me until i went and got him some stone so i grabbed it and some golden claw, too. it belonged to the guy whos sister i killed because she got mad at me for accidentally stealing her tankard. i immediately stole it back off him once i gave it to him because i am collecting them. i have three so far :)  
so i give the stone to balgruuf’s wizard and a dragon attacks. big lizard. wonder if i could pet it. i couldn’t, when i got near it just attacked me so i put my sword through its skull. its skin came off and i absorbed its soul ???? apparently im dragonborn and can shout pretty well now. told balgruuf about it and some old men on a mountain wanted to see me but i have way better things to be doing.  
i wanted to sell some stuff to the general goods store while i was there but the dude wasnt there. then i remembered i killed him when i was a big dog. derk told me that actions have consequences but couldn’t he see how guilty i felt about it? why, if my scales weren’t so shiny and my eyes so beautiful i could barely look at myself in the mirror.  
oh yeah i gave balgruuf the documents n he sided with us then i had to take his axe to ulfric (horrid bastard) and then gave it back to balgruuf ???? nords are weird, man. anyway he attacked whiterun and they didnt do very well because people generally dont take very well to being near a flame atronach.  
i lost sight of derk in the chaos n was worried but a daedric arrow in the neck of a nearby soldier was enough reassurance.  
after they were repelled derk was very concerned about the amount of blood on me. none of it was mine, but he said that wasn’t exactly reassuring either.  
then we got to do some more real soldier stuff!! had to steal enemy orders. tried to pickpocket it but got caught then killed the bloke instead of just running and then killed many, many guards. i commented on how i dont think we thought it through very well and derk just said he could’ve told me that about ten mistakes ago.  
next up was taking over a fort that somehow meant we had taken over an entire hold. hey, i wont question it!  
blackmailing someone in riften was fun, i like blackmail. we managed to get hold of a weapons shipment and hadvar was there !!! the guy who was at helgen !!! i left with him :) anyway he had a plan but i was like. nah. let me do it. i have this handled.  
there were more of them than i thought and though i am brilliant i can only fight at most, like, three people at a time. derk was a great help of course, he is very skilled with his bow. he doesn’t want to use any other bow for some reason even though literally any bow is better than the one he uses but i guess it has sentimental value or something.  
hadvar and the boys came rushing in and he was all, “i thought you said you had this handed!” and yeah maybe i lied!  
we got em though so it was fine in the end. another fort, another hold, a win for argonian strike force! derk keeps telling me to stop calling us that but i dont see him coming up with any better names.  
it was a rescue mission next and hadvar was all “oohh are you sure stealth is ok ???? we can do a frontal assault” but sir. buddy. pally. i am the leader of two sneaky guilds. i will be fine.  
we rescued the soldiers and took over that fort, then another. derk told me to stop messing with the enemies and to just kill them but come on, this is supposed to be fun! he responded by telling me it’s supposed to be war, but there is absolutely no reason it cannot be both.  
then was the final strike on windhelm !!! ulfric wanted me to kill him because it would make a better song. i did it, not to honour his request, but because there would be no songs about him. also i just love the idea of him being killed by one of the races he hates oh so much <3  
he didnt really deserve any honour so i beheaded him and took his clothes. a quick wash and they’d be perfect on display right next to the emperor’s robes! :)  
that was it. whole situation was a little underwhelming if im honest but hey, i got what i came for. i dont even care about the empire i just wanted to be able to legally kill ulfric.  
what a show his death was! it was really all in the.... execution. derk told me not to make the situation worse with puns and asked if i am ever serious. nope! i use humour to deflect my insecurities and also i am hilarious.  
the new jarl in dawnstar is very nice she let me buy land for a house :) i got my new friend lydia to help with it, she’s another housecarl because oh yeah im thane of whiterun too, as well as riften hehe  
its pretty nifty if i do say so myself. its got a storage room, an armoury and a bedroom as well as more beds on the second floor and a cellar !! im gonna put some fancy things down there :)  
i left lydia in charge of decorating since i would just make a mess of things. there’s a bard lady here too, i think we should have enough beds for everyone. me n derk paid a visit to darkwater to say hello and we timed it perfectly since there was a dragon attack and we defended them like the valiant heroes we are. sadly little hrefna’s mum and the man who helped look after her died, as well as some other man i do not care about.  
the stormcloaks that used to be here were replaced with imperial soldiers but i still do not trust them so we took her to riften ourselves, there was just enough room on shadowmere and he didnt seem to mind the extra person.  
the lady looking after the kids at the orphanage is very nice, she is much better than grelod :)  
oh !!! i did think about the Things. derkeethus is my best friend and i like him very much :) a good friend !! :)  
we went to old hroldon inn since we heard that tiber septim stayed here n the bed must be good but it was pathetic. if he slept in this bed i am sorry for him.  
a ghost wanted a sword and i have done weirder things for weirder people, so i guess that’s where we’re headed next!

bye :)


	14. bunyip crashes a party

i didnt wanna get that sword actually. i didnt know what i wanted to do but i did not want to do that. i used to have goals, you know. bad goals, sure, but they were goals. i wanted something to do so i went to see the old men because it turns out i didnt have anything better to do.  
there were a few frost trolls but really it wasnt that dangerous getting there and it didnt take too long i dont know why people make such a fuss about it. mariah kept us warm so it wasnt too cold either. maybe me and derk are just way smarter than the average skyrim citizen. i dont think its much of an achievement though, all things considered.  
they gave me new words to shout and sent me to get a horn but i didnt wanna do that either and left as soon as i could. i have also recently discovered that i am mysterious but its not on purpose. i am simply trying to leave wherever i am at all times and that makes me seem mysterious but its actually the behaviour of a dumb bird.  
went to riften to grab some stuff from my house and i accidentally joined the church of mara. i got people together and then reunited some dead people it was so sweet i was on the verge of tears. then i was tasked with giving blessings to twenty people and i wasnt sure i could count that high but it turned out fine and now im better at resisting magic which is cool.  
got bored of the lack of general crime so i did some pickpocketing for my shiny things collection. we went for the horn but someone had taken it which was rude. i went to find them in riverwood and it was the innkeep which i was not expecting. her name is delphine and she didnt believe i was dragonborn even though i showed her my shouts and literally came for the horn that the literal greybeards sent me for. she wanted to see me kill a dragon at kynesgrove and i was pretty excited !!! i am the go-to dragon slayer around these parts. people can come to me for dragon slaying advice. usually i am left to kill them though which is. fine.  
on the way there we killed a dragon and i absorbed its soul but she must have been looking away for the entire duration of me absorbing it because she still didnt think i was dragonborn. after we killed the one we came for she finally believed me and then me and derk got to infiltrate a thalmor party !! crashing parties is always fun, we havent had chance to do it since vittoria’s wedding.  
it was kinda boring overall. i got a drunk guy to make a distraction, stole some documents and killed many thalmor. derk got some good target practise in. the thalmor were torturing a guy so we freed him and he said he was in the thieves’ guild and that he’d seen me in the flagon before but i had never seen this man in my life.  
we got out and the guy who helped us smuggle weapons and armour in was so rude. he told me that the thalmor would be hunting him for the rest of his life and that he hopes it was worth it. really? i could’ve let him die. i could’ve just killed him on the spot and i almost did but i let him go, he’s a dead man whether i kill him or not.  
so the thalmor did not know a thing about the dragons coming back and i dont know why delphine thought they would ??? we literally saw the dragon that was at helgen bringing one back from the dead, he is clearly the one behind it.  
then i remembered i had the horn so i took it to the old men and they gave me the last word of a shout that at most knocked people over before, but now i can blast people across the room. i should not have this power. i shouted goats off the mountain on the way down since we were off to riften and i needed some fun to mentally prepare myself for that place. it’s such a mess with corrupt leaders but i am in no position to talk since i literally blackmailed one of them for the civil war.  
delphine had told us that a man called esbern was hiding in the ratway and to ask around the flagon for him and i am sure delvin will be even more confused about exactly what i am doing in life. first a thief, then an assassin, now im looking for an old man in a sewer.  
things just get weirder, man.

bye


	15. bunyip kills the firstborn of a god

found the old man and a bunch of thalmor tried to kill us but it’s no big deal, i got to add more to my collection of people’s orders to kill me! i have 5 right now and i would have 6 but i lost one of them :(  
the line between self care and self destruction is a fine one but BOY do i walk it hard. i eat well and enjoy myself but i also get into several near death situations. i have fallen from so many mountains.  
esbern and delphine took me and derk to some temple thing and there was a pressure plate puzzle but im so good at sneaking that i dont even trigger them which is just another reason i deserve to be a god.  
anyway they wanted me to find a new shout that makes it so dragons are mortal and cant fly for a little bit. i wonder if it cuts off their wings that would be cool.  
i asked the greybeards but they didnt know it so they sent me to their leader who is a DRAGON man that is so cool. he told me he doesnt know it either and to go get an elder scroll and i feel like i should not be in possession of one of those so of course i was thrilled to get one. went to the college of winterhold to ask around and this woman was like “oh you need to prove competency with magic” so i blasted her off the bridge with my thu’um and went to their library.  
the orc there looks very huggable but he was rude to me :( i know that not everyone is going to like me and that is okay, even though they are wrong. he was nice when i told him i was the dragonborn though, probably out of fear. he is right to fear me i am a big intimidating man who is not afraid of slaughterfish.  
he sent us to some scholar in a perfectly reasonable place for a sane person to live. in an ice cave. but its ok he told us where the scroll was and god it was so boring. we were in there for like an entire day and when we had the scroll we resurfaced right by the house which was convenient for dropping off everything we’d picked up. we had picked up a lot of things.  
oh yeah i found a book about boethiah in the scholar’s cave and i wanna check out her shrine it looks nifty.  
so i read the scroll at the time injury or whatever paarthurnax called it and i learned the shout then alduin showed up. man this dude was so much weaker than i thought like mariah set him on fire, derk turned him into a pincushion of arrows and i just stood there hitting him with my shield and stabbing him. he flew off and parthurnax told me to capture another dragon who would tell me where alduin went.  
he wanted me to capture a snitch. a narc. hell yeah im down for that. he said i should probably ask the jarl but i am the literal dragonborn and i will do what i want. i shouted the dragons name and he only killed one person before i trapped him. derk got very worried when he bit me but its fine !!! i have been bitten by a dragon before. he said, “it’s not like you build up an immunity to dragon bite wounds” and i couldnt really argue that point.  
balgruuf walked in and was all, “what’s going on here?” so i said, “look balgruuf the only thing certain about being dragonborn is that it’s unpredictable” and he was like, “is that why there’s a dragon in my palace?” but he was surprisingly ok with it.  
the dragon - oderving. odahviing? yeah i think it’s odahviing - took me to a place called skuldafn but refused to take derk to so it was me and mariah against the world. well, me and mariah against some draugr and easy puzzles.  
there was someone with a mask and a staff but my cool new storm shout eviscerated them completely and then i was in sovngarde !! it was so pretty. ulfric was there. he was all poetic and i did not care for it so i walked away and found kodlak !! i was so happy to see him i gave him a hug and tried to show him the way to the hall of valour but he wouldn’t come with me :(  
i fought a large man and spoke to some people inside. i met ysgramor !!!! he’s so cool :)  
so me and the people i learned dragonrend from cleared the mist and fought alduin. i learned it from them in the past. like, a past version of them. i used the scroll to look into the past and see them using it. they didn’t personally teach me or anything. there are better ways to explain this im just gonna leave it at that.  
so we killed alduin, he was still weak from the fight earlier so we decimated him. mariah really pulled her weight she’s doing so well.  
oh yeah i just remembered i met olaf one-eye and he said he’d like to be friends with that bard who wrote the thing about him (i can’t remember his name) which i think is nice :) his soul only just got to sovngarde after i freed him when i got olaf’s lost verse a few weeks (months? probably months) ago with the bard’s college.  
kodlak was happy with me and he said he was proud !! i was just happy he got to sovngarde and that i got to see him one last time. tsun taught me a new shout and sent me back home, but not before i stole every piece of food from the hall of valour. i took as much as i could fit in my grubby little hands.  
i said bye to all my friends and also ulfric before i was at the throat of the world. there were a bunch of dragons. they were all nice and paarthurnax said he’d show them the way of the voice !! :)  
then odahviing said he was in my service so i knew the first thing i was doing. i found a headband that has khajiit ears on it. not real ones. fake ones that look like real ones. it was way too big for my head and i managed to fit it on him.  
flew on odahviing to dragonsreach where derk said he’d wait for me and i knew he’d still be there since i was only gone for, like, a day. he ran out to see me, presumably once someone told him some madman just flew in on a dragon. the conversation went a little like this:  
“what in oblivion is that?”  
“a senche-raht, derk, don’t be rude.”  
“that… is a dragon wearing a khajiit ear headband.”  
“no he’s not, he’s a senche-raht.”  
“that breathes fire?”  
“he’s… a very rare breed.”  
i freed viing of his headband prison and went to tell carlotta everything she’d missed !!  
it was a nice chat and now that people know i’m the dragonborn it brought a lot of business to her stall. of course people want to know what happened directly from the dragonborn !! :D  
one guy came and insulted carlotta’s fruit though so i killed him in his sleep.  
me and derk stopped by the tavern as is tradition whenever we’re in whiterun and mikael was singing a new song !! he’s a slimy little man but i like him as a bard :)  
i told derk a more detailed story of what happened than i told carlotta since i want her to think im cool. derk already knows im not cool. he’s seen me cry because a jester was nice to me.  
it was nice.

bye :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case u dont know, a senche-raht is a type of khajiit that's essentially a tiger but with the intelligence of any other khajiit and, like, really big. the average one is the height of two altmer and weighs about as much as fifty altmer. which i think is neat. they're used as mounts in battle but don't like being treated like beasts.


	16. bunyip goes to solstheim

i spent like three hours trying to scale a mountain to get to boethiah’s shrine just for her to tell me to sacrifice someone to her. honestly i am sick and tired of being called “mortal”. you don’t know that. i don’t even know that! i have never died even once, nothing has been proven yet. stop making assumptions. it is rude.  
well i wasnt gonna sacrifice derk so we went and hired a mercenary. had to do some odd jobs with him so he’d trust us before he’d touch a pillar for me. he wasnt fond of my jokes about killing him though which is unfortunate because i am hilarious. he completely cut off one of them and now i cant remember the end of it !! it started like “if i had a blade to your throat, stenvar, and don’t rule it out” but then he just spoke over me !!! rude.  
well we brought him to the pillar and he was stuck to it. i thought itd be easy then but he was being so difficult! he tried appealing to my morals but i do not have any of those, they were all sold out at the general store. this man really said “ask yourself, what would killing me really accomplish?” and, other than making me laugh like a maniac and gaining the favour of another daedric prince, not much! but it’s enough :)  
he went down then boethiah sent us to go kill someone else. i like being sent to kill people because if i get told off for doing it, i can say that a god made me do it and i am always let free. either that or the fact that everyone knows im the dragonborn and they dont want a fuss. i do not care either way, it all works out for me in the end!  
boethiah let me keep the armour i got from the corpse of her previous champion but it’s not as good as my current stuff so i guess i can use it as a paperweight or something.  
on the way home to drop some stuff off i almost died again :)  
some cultists attacked us and i was completely just off in my own world. i might have actually died if derk hadn’t shot the guy attacking me. it was a bunch of cultists ?? they’d attacked us ages ago but i just kinda forgot so i guess they wanted to try again… now that im stronger? yeah that makes sense i think.  
they were from solstheim so i decided to pop over and deal with whoever was sending them. shadowmere wasnt allowed on the boat so i left him with the argonians at the docks, i befriended them after i killed ulfric :) he should stop the nords being mean to them hehe >:3  
ok so we get there and this dunmer is being rude so i just walk off and ask around about the guy who sent the cultists, miraak. they were weird and cryptic about it but i had a place i could go to check out. on the way, we found a man who wanted some money for an excavation. he only wanted 1,000 septims so i just gave it to him and left.  
we got a bit lost and found some weird ashy things attacking a guard so we helped out and he sent me to deal with the source of them. no, no, it’s ok! just saved your life, is all.  
the source was a human person who wasnt very human any more actually. i have killed more than i care to admit but thats just life baby! i ended up getting money which is kinda boring like i have a lot of that stuff. give me something cool. i want more trinkets.  
i found a big mushroom tree thing and immediately freaked out because i LOVE mushrooms man they are so cool and little i love them. there was a thing and i killed it, apparently that was good of me which is fun, usually it’s bad when i kill things without asking.  
there was this man. he is horrid. i like him a lot. he does research and stuff and was all “i didnt invite you here, you’d better not waste my time” which is fair, i didnt ask to come in. i didnt even know where i was. i wanted to help with something and he told me to go look for his steward who’d gone missing. she was very dead! he wanted me to find a new one so i asked the first person i found in raven rock and he was down.  
derk was having fun which is nice :)  
i got a letter from the excavation guy who i learned was called ralis saying he needed help so i killed a couple of draugr for him and found some cool boots. gave him more money.  
got back to mr neloth and he wanted to experiment on me !! derk wasnt sure it was safe but i was ready for it. he made me stronger but the second it started raining i was weaker and thats not gonna work out for me since my main way of escaping law enforcement is by throwing myself into the nearest river.  
so then i got kicked out of the mushroom until i got a staff and examined a forsworn briarheart because apparently i am “reckless” and “a liability” and “bunyip”. the last one is just my name but you should’ve heard how mr neloth said it.

bye


	17. bunyip considers eating a book, just to see what happens

somehow the courier found me. he was sent from solstheim and i got the letter in skyrim. i respect couriers more than i respect any soldier. i know i count as a soldier but its ok because i have no respect for myself.  
so ralis wanted me to kill more draugr and give him more money since his miners keep dying to them and he needs mercenaries too. there’s cool armour down there i dont know why he just left it.  
i gave mr neloth the staff and he gave me one from his personal collection that i immediately sold back to him. he went through my memories to find stuff out about the briarhearts and said that anything unrelated would be “kept in the strictest of confidences” but he was clearly lying through his teeth. i dont really care though because what’s he gonna do? put me in prison for killing an abusive father two months ago? yeah good luck.  
mr neloth sent me on a search mission to find the source of whatever’s been attacking him and it was a lady who died to one of his experiments but i guess she got better. he gave me specific instructions to rip out her heart stone which was cool. i got blood all over my hands which made all the ash from the ash spawn stick to me and it was overall pretty grim. i brought mr neloth some heart stones too and he made me a member of house telvanni !!! i accidentally called him dad once and im sure he noticed but he hasnt mentioned it which is cool of him.  
then it was back to ralis! derk says there’s something off about him and i think it’s the fact that he is surrounded by death but i am too so im in no place to judge, really. killed more draugr, gave him more money, got more cool armour. im never going to wear it but i have a mannequin at home dedicated to it! :)  
derk reminded me why we actually came here so i went off to that temple and there was a nice lady called frea who helped us fight through the cave beneath it. there were more cultists who were pretty easy to deal with since they wore no armour, just clothes. you’d think they’d have had a conversation about this, right? like: “hey, you know that guy we dont like? he uses a pretty strong sword and i heard he beat a few people to death with his shield before. do you think we should wear actual armour since these robes offer nothing in terms of actual protection?”  
anyway yeah we got through it and there was a book so i immediately read it since it looked cool and i got sucked into some weird place and miraak was there. he made fun of me then sent me back which was rude, now i want to kill him even more. oh he’s also a dragonborn which is interesting.  
i told frea and derk about it so frea took us back to her village. her dad said he’d help us out if we freed his people. learned a new shout and killed a dragon but miraak stole the soul before i could absorb it !!! does he not know that stealing is illegal? i can and will report him to the guards and they will see that he is imprisoned for his foul crime of slightly annoying me.  
i used my cool new shout on the stone thingy and fought the weirdest looking thing i have seen so far in life. i’m bad because of my many crimes and questionable morals but this thing is bad solely because it is incredibly ugly. derk hit it with an arrow from such a distance and i think he could still have hit it if he were in skyrim when he fired that arrow.  
frea’s dad wanted me to free everyone else but they were gonna have to wait a minute because i had more busines with ralis. more draugr, more neat armour, more money !! it’s something to spend it on at least.  
freeing everyone was pretty simple, it was just me and derk going on a walk across the entirety of solstheim and killing a daedra every so often. frea’s dad told me to go speak with mr neloth because he could help me get another black book to be as strong as miraak !!  
im just happy to see mr neloth again because, despite the fact that he is a horrid little bastard and i would boot him across tel mithryn given the chance, i would kill and die for him.  
we did a bunch of kinda boring stuff with puzzles and cubes and it was only fun in the moment because i like the people i was there with.  
derk and mr neloth make a good team because derk sees the flask as half full and mr neloth sees it as half empty. i simply drink right out of the flask. i do not know why either of them puts up with me.  
we eventually got to another black book and mr neloth told me to say hi to hermaus mora. when i got there i looked up and derk was there too ??? i have genuinely no idea how he followed me into apocrypha but i guess he was being literal when he said he’d follow me to oblivion and back.  
i dropped my sword at one point and couldnt find it but fortunately i had a few knives up my sleeves. derk told me i meant “tricks” but no, i did not, i pulled several knives out of my sleeves and sorted out the daedra so i could look for my sword in peace. i got it back eventually.  
learned some forbidden knowledge and we were ambushed by a dragon on the way out but it was pretty weak i wont lie. hermaeus told me to get the secrets of the skaal and he’d give me enough power to challenge miraak which is fair i would think.  
well he killed the leader of the skaal to get the secrets which is a bit over the top, he could have just asked. haha sorry frea i essentially killed your dad but im going to oblivion now so you cant get mad at me haha.  
i like it in apocrypha actually it’s pretty cool. there are a lot of filled soul gems scattered about and i always come out with a lot more jewellery than i entered with. it gets kinda boring sometimes though i zone out a lot and then boom, twelve seekers that smell like rotting paper are attacking me.  
i stole one of miraak’s dragons and used it to fight him and the little coward kept running from me. hermaeus stabbed miraak right as i was about to kill him. i would have liked the satisfaction of killing him myself but i guess that’s okay too. it was a little anticlimactic but mr neloth showed a tiny little itty bitty sign of worry about me which was nice. he explicitly stated that he was grateful for me killing miraak and frea didn’t even care that much about me causing the death of her dad.  
mr neloth gave me the location of another black book and it was a cave full of spiders i hate them i hate them i hate them :c  
the next letter from ralis literally just said “you’re needed” which is uh. concise.  
turns out he’d been sacrificing the miners to resurrect ahzidal and once id killed him for good, ralis was trying to justify himself by saying he was possessed or whatever but man i dont care. its more fun if youre alive, go spread chaos if you want you funky little man.  
you just need to look on the bright side! im supposed to follow that up with whatever’s on the bright side but i dont have anything actually.  
oh wait no i finished that armour set which looks cool on my mannequin.

bye :)


	18. bunyip prevents an assassination

what if draugr only try to kill you beacuse they want you as a friend? you ever think about that? no, you only ever think about yourself. after killing enough draugr you start to think about that sort of thing. mr neloth sent me to so many places for black books and i got bored eventually so i went to raven rock to see if anyone needed me to kill something.  
i found a man in a mine who wanted me to investigate what was going on down there and it sounded fun but it was just like any other cave i’ve been in. there were more spiders which was annoying. eventually found a cool sword and swung it around a bit, it has this weird thing where it shoots energy ??? its cool.  
i picked up whatever it was the man sent me for and it had something to do with the east empire company?? they dont really like me after i killed a bunch of their guards that one time. the mines reopened and the guard who i helped deal with the ash spawn immediately asked for my help with something else. like, immediately. the second i left the man’s house he was there.  
he sent me to go talk to someone who said someone was trying to kill the councillor and then he sent me to someone ELSE to figure out how to find out who’s conspiring against the man. derk suggested we just leave since its not our problem but i thought the idea of them using an assassin to prevent an assassination was funny. to be fair, they did not know i am an assassin.  
that mogrul guy was really annoying me so i killed him and i was trying to hide the body so there wouldnt be a fuss and you know, a peaceful walk in the wilds of solstheim really relaxes me and the fact that i was dragging a body should be irrelevant.  
the man at the bar told me to wait in some tomb to see who was there and it was a lady id seen before, her name was tilisu i think. i told the guy who sent me to the barkeep that she might be the person who put the hit out on the councillor and he sent me to their house to look for information. is it obvious im not good with names??  
me and derk are masters of stealth so we snuck in, got the evidence we were looking for but on the way out we were spotted so we had to commit some light murder. it was self defence.  
i got to scrap it out with the morag tong which was fun !! me and derk, argonian strike force, saved the councillor !!! he still tells me to stop calling us the argonian strike force.  
we were taken to the councillor who was saying things to the man we were working with like “i havent seen a smile on your face like that for a long time” and called him “old friend”. are they…………… y’know……?  
well he thanked us and let us have severin manor which is cool but we immediately said bye to mr neloth and left solstheim with little to no intention to return.  
i had enough fire salts for balimund over in riften. i dont know why i remembered he needed them but he gave me some money which was cool of him.  
got bored and decided to visit the shrine of azura because i heard it looks cool. there was a lady there who said “i saw you walking up these steps before you were even born” which was clearly a lie because i came from the mountain behind the shrine on shadowmere. i didnt even know there were stairs and that would’ve probably made things a lot easier.  
i was sent to winterhold to find a mysterious elf so i asked around at the college and they were like “well well, if it isnt bunyip. you enrolled here like 2 months ago.” and i was like “no it is me” and then they were like “no its just a saying” but their tricks would not work on me so i left and went to the inn and found the guy on my own. he told me where i could find azura’s star but that when i found it i shouldnt give it to her because shes evil. yeah thats kinda the point of the daedra.  
i got it after murdering a bunch of necromancers to death but some guy had trapped his own soul inside it so he could be immortal. azura sent me in to kill him and it was so blue and bright in there but i got the star and became azura’s champion. thats… how many daedra that ive sold my soul to? nocturnal, meridia, boethiah, hermaus mora, and now azura. does sithis count? anyway i wanna also sell my soul to sheogorath too thatd be fun. and sanguine. i was a werewolf for a bit so maybe having a chat with hircine would be fun.  
oh yeah i read the oghma infinium or however you spell it and now i can swing a sword even better. somehow.  
got betrayed by some guy in solitude after he had me put out a lighthouse but i killed him and his sister so it balances out.  
i fixed up the gildergreen in whiterun because mila said she wished the tree was prettier. got super good with one handed swords so much so that i physically cannot get any better so i gave the no-undead-allowed-and-ghosts-count-too shiny sword to derk and picked up that cool red sword i found in the mine. killed some bandits to get used to it and got an amulet for a khajiit.  
i brought carlotta a bunch of ash yams that id found on solstheim and told her about all that’d happened while i was there. i would say id kill for her but id also kill for fun so i dont know how much that really means but i DO care about her a lot :)

bye :)


	19. bunyip becomes a father

derk’s inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this friendship apart. he even drank the last of the milk and now hrefna and sissel have to wait for more milk. i also want milk. oh yeah hrefna and sissel are my daughters i adopted them. i am a father now.  
anyway back to the milk i was like “hey derk do we have any milk left” so he said “oh i drank the last of it”. we just kinda looked at each other for a few seconds before i said “foolish of you to think you can keep on containing my power. youll pay for your milk-stealing crimes soon enough” and then he said “whos going to stop me? you and your bones lacking in calcium? the milk guards? the divines? i have to laugh”.  
if i wasnt so in awe of that comment id have replied with something hilarious as is my nature but i was just way too busy being proud of him. he’s learning from me! that. that may not be a good thing actually.  
there are three (3) people in the house that i built with my own two hands to look after the girls while me n derk are out. i definitely trust two housecarls to protect them better than a bard but oriellia is nice. shes teaching hrefna the lute !!!  
we went to riften to check on the coolguy hq in the sewers but i totally forgot about that the second an orc came up to me like “do you want to kill some vampires” but really, he had me at “do you want to kill”. he sent us off to this fort and we got Very Lost while looking for it. we started looking in the morning and only found it at night because there were torches.  
two dragons attacked us while we were looking and at this point ive killed more dragons than i can count. because i’ve killed a lot of dragons. not because i can’t count very high. because of this i will be insulting akatosh in a staggering display of hubris! :)  
when i got into the fort they were not happy with me because i had a bounty in riften. once again, my character was under attack simply because i have taken the lives of many innocent people. i may not be a god yet, but that didnt mean they weren’t about to experience the wrath of one.  
they were more respectful than mr neloth when they saw me shout. he was like “yes, yes. you’re dragonborn. we’re all very impressed” but these guys were like “oh! dragonborn! i didnt know it was you :) your crimes are ok :)”.  
mr isran told us to go to a cave to see what some vampires are up to over there. i like mr isran he is cool. he has a nice voice i would let him read me a bedtime story.  
so we kill some vampires no big deal then theres just. a vampire lady in a pillar thing. she seemed nice and i was like. wow. i am really just doing everything huh. derk was like “not everything is about you” but you do have to admit that a majority of things are.  
she wanted us to take her back to her home and my heart said yes but derk said no. luckily i have managed to make him like me so i said please once and he was probably too shocked to object but we got her home.  
yeah i kinda forgot she was a vampire so we walked into this vampire castle . surrounded by vampires. vampire lady wait what was her name uhhhh seren serena serrr SERANA serana was her name. yeah her dad offered me n derk vampirism so for the worst thing that could possibly happen, it was actually going extremely well. i would however like to keep all of my blood so it was a bit of a problem. just because i caused the problems didnt mean i had the solutions to them so i ran out and im speedier than derk so i just picked him up. i didnt know i could do that. i am going to pick him up more now its funny.  
we had viing take us back to fort dawnguard because i was not about to spend days running back across the entire province. when we got back there were a bunch of vampires attacking and they were way too far away for me to get them with my sword OH YEAH i made new armour and weapons for me and derk from dragon scales and bones. so anyway they were too far away for my sword so i blasted some fire at them. it did not do much. if shooting fire at something doesnt work, you just arent using enough of it in my experience.  
mr isran said something about the vampires being bold enough to attack us here and sent us away to find these two people to join us. there was a lady who i gave the dwemer gyro i forgot i picked up. next was a man who we helped kill a bear and this man is huge. like. he’s big. he has nice hair too i think he is cool. mr isran has a better beard though.  
mr isran wanted to know why a vampire was here to see us and i also wanted to know so i went to go see who it was and it was serana !! she was talking about her dad i kinda zoned out but we needed to find a moth priest. i went to ask mr urag in the college and we got very off topic. he told me where i can find a moth priest but then we were chatting like:  
“so youre a wizard mr urag?”  
“yes”  
“youre good at magic?”  
“yes”  
i then pulled a septim out from behind his ear and asked who the real wizard is. its me. im the real wizard. i then bought back the elder scroll i sold him a few weeks ago because i want to use it like a weapon and hit someone over the head with it. also we’re looking for a moth priest and they like elder scrolls so i think having one could be useful maybe.  
so i find like. just an absolutely ruined cart near dragon bridge and i followed the bloodstains to this cave. it was full of gargoyle statues and i kept attacking them because i thought they were gonna come to life but they never did so i looked like a fool. more of a fool than i usually do, anyway.  
we rescued the moth priest from the vampires that took him hostage for some reason or another and took him back to fort dawnguard. we escorted him on shadowmere because i think if he so much as saw viing he would die on the spot. we all took turns on shadowmere but my feet started to hurt so we took a quick detour to borrow a horse for him from whiterun. borrowed with no intention of returning it. we stole him a horse. he named her sable.  
he read the scroll serana had and was like “ok i need two more” so the one i bought back was useful after all. serana said she can help us find the other one we need but not to bring the “interloper”. chat shit get hit serana, preventing your dad from taking over the world can wait until you can get along with derk.  
i told her that i will only help her if she comes to markarth with me. she has no other choice really so she agreed. we are going to the silver blood inn because they give me free drinks. its out of fear i think. i also want to see whats going on with this guy who keeps asking me to check out some haunted house.

bye


	20. bunyip gets blackout drunk 2: electric boogaloo

we met a guy named sam and decided it was time to have a repeat of the burning of king olaf by getting obliterated on spiced wine !! i woke up in the temple of dibella, completely conked out on the floor while derk was sprawled over a shrine. we lost serana but figured she’d turn up eventually.  
a priestess really did Not like that we had desecrated her temple and made a mess or whatever. i told her id clean it up but just took her holy water and left. i feel like it’ll be useful at some point. vampires hate that stuff, right?  
serana was outside waiting for us, no trace of a hangover. i know my muscles are huge and my brain is so wrinkly therefore i am excellent at everything i do, but i couldnt get rid of this hangover with my magic. upsetting.  
we asked serana if she knew where sam was because i swear he promised us a staff if we won a drinking contest. i wasnt really too invested in it but i want to bonk him over the head with it for not leaving it with me when i passed out !! disgraceful, honestly >:(  
apparently i said something about rorikstead so we went over there and we’re gonna have to borrow a horse for serana, too. viing puts up with me and derk but he’d just throw an extra person off. like, toss them directly into the sun. which would not be good for serana as she is not currently on speaking terms with the sun.  
a guy in rorikstead was very angry because i apparently stole his goat to sell to a giant. i only went and rescued her because i felt bad for her, i dont care whatsoever about the man. he told us we mentioned ysolda in whiterun so that was the next stop! i stole a mammoth tusk for her once.  
ysolda said i was getting married ???? to whom????? i asked and she was like “you were telling me all about when you met her at witchmist grove :)” as if i would willingly enter a place named witchmist grove, and then proceed to marry a woman that i met there. ysolda wanted the ring back if the wedding wasnt going to go through but i am a master linguist and said, in all my great eloquence, “no”.  
she was cool with it though she told me the wedding was going to be held in more fun scar. mor. more vunsk. m. a place. she also said that i wanted sam to be my best man ??? the only situation in which derkeethus would not be the best man at my wedding would be if he was who i was marrying. that sounds quite nice actually. i mean what.  
SO we trekked to the place and derk and serana were conspiring…. i made it very clear i was listening in on them like the nuisance i am and derk told me “take this only to mean we are fond of you, but we’re having a serious, hypothetical discussion about how far we could throw you.”  
i was physically vibrating with excitement at this !!! derk and serana were getting along !!! that was the whole point of this but i got very very distracted and im way too committed to leave it now.  
we get there and its just this warlock fortress which was fun, but i was once more tormented by how weird necromancers are. your friend dies in battle and, no emotion, you just bring him back so he can turn to dust when he dies again, like, a minute later? you’d better be snorting that dust if you are going to go to such an extent with it.  
a portal showed up and i just leapt right in that bad boy. derk followed me in but serana was like “noooo thats a plane of oblivion!!” so i made a mental note to bring her back a souvenir. like a keyring, or something.  
so its like. a super nice place. id live there. sam was stood by a table and there were a bunch of people sat there and they were all very rude to me. i tried to chat with them and they were like “hm? what is it, lizard” i wanted to commit more crime but didnt want to do it in front of sam. he seems nice.  
sam is a daedric prince, sanguine!!! ive wanted to meet him for so long !!! a big fan of his work. he was like “i just wanted an excuse to get you to spread merriment” no worries sir i spread merriment with my very existence, i am a delight! he gave me a cool staff that looks like a rose and summons daedra friends………. amazing. i was going to ask about a keyring for serana but he sent us back to mundus… i didnt even get chance to ask :(  
we ended up in the silver blood inn and serana was there too !! i didnt want to go back to mor. morvun. that place and get her back. i would do it because i am attached to her now she is my friend but i would not enjoy it.  
i gave her the staff i got from mr sanguine as a stand-in for the keyring but its not the same.  
we’re off to check out that haunted house next and i heard the hall of the dead is closed ? i dont really care that much if im honest but derk is a pure being and wants it reopened for the good people of markarth. silly derk, there are no good people in markarth!  
i love it here. you cannot act ethically in markarth. i save a woman from being stabbed, then it turns out i was aiding and abetting an imperial spy! i visit the museum and im funding a shady academic’s unsafe research expeditions. i give a beggar money and end up breaking into a temple.  
i really really love markarth.

bye :)


	21. bunyip adopts a dog

the guy outside the haunted house wasnt there anymore so we left markarth to go look for that other elder scroll. on the way some warlock attacked us but it was no bother due to my devastating countermagic where i close the distance and stab them in the chest 14 times while they try to cast some fancy spell. this sorcery thing is easy as hell.  
really though my life has become a never-ending game of “is it illegal, or just frowned upon?” but derk tells me that it is always illegal with me.  
we went on a lovely stroll around seranas castle and killed many, many gargoyles. im NOT afraid of them no matter what derk or serana says theyre just big and pop up out of nowhere okay ?? so i scream when startled, what of it??  
some bald vampire attacked us at one point but no matter the personal strengths of enemies we face, they are all weak to being bashed in the skull by the blunt end of my sword and also being impaled through the heart :)  
we found a moondial. like a sundial but edgy and cool. serana said it used to have more crests on it and wanted to look for them but i already had them by the time she asked. i like shiny things and will collect any shiny thing in my general vicinity.  
my thieving tendencies were actually useful here. i said that to derk and was like “see, i turned out ok despite my frequent criminal activity!” but he reminded me that i thought a ghost made my toast that morning. i didnt make it! he didnt make it! its a perfectly reasonable conclusion to come to.  
oh yeah so we put the crests on the moondial and it revealed a funky hidden passage that took us to a big room with alchemy ingredients and stuff. i took all of it. i stuffed my greedy little pockets with every single ingredient i could find. im gonna make SO many useless potions later.  
i found some journal and serana was like “thats my mums” so i let her read it and she told me some stuff to put on some fancy pedestal. i dont actually know much about alchemy i just mush things together and hope for the best.  
a portal showed up and i am not fond of portals. i do not know where they lead and they dont even have the common courtesy to tell me. i hopped in anyway because i have no sense of preservation of my own life but that little shit of a portal tried to eat me !!! i know i am beautiful but please. i require wooing. courting. romance. take me out to dinner first!  
serana turned me into a vampire so it would stop trying to eat me which is nice of her. derk too! how fun :)  
i understand why the portal didnt advertise where it lead to. its depressing! its so dark! im not a goth or anything so its not for me. i know my scales are black and cool like the melanistic tiger, my favourite beast, but i am not goth. anyway i was in n out i hate it there its too dark !! where’s the fun !!! the entertainment !!!  
ok so we found seranas mum, killed some tall dudes, found a horse skull and gave it to a dude so now we have another horse friend, killed a dragon, got the scroll, befriended the dragon who didnt actually die and got the fuck right out of there.  
its so booooooooooooooooooooooooring in there uuughhhhhhh.  
we immediately cured our vampirism . me and derk. not serana. i think it would be a bit rude to ask if she wanted to be cured . i asked derk about it and he agreed . i said that me and him are a little more similar than he might think and he told me that was a terrible thing to say. he’s learning from me so well. im so proud.  
we got jumped by a pack of wolves on the way back to fort dawnguard. it made me think how a wolf only really has the one point of attack, the mouth. unless it has a sword.  
im gonna be honest here i completely zoned out but serana said we had to go to some ancient place to read one of the scrolls so off we went! i like serana she pays attention :)  
i befriended some moths so theyd let me read an elder scroll safely which led us to darkfall cave and whoever named it was bang on. its dark in there. ive had my fair share of dark places .  
we met a snow elf which is cool. he seems nice. he wanted us to kill his brother and i am SO ready i love being told to kill people.  
we walked for so long my feet hurt so bad . we killed so many falmer. we eventually got to the other snow elf and he kept sending frozen dudes at us as if i couldnt breathe fire. im very capable of breathing fire.  
he and serana started arguing and she picked him up by the throat i was so impressed shes so cool !! :)  
i wanted to be the centre of attention once more and i was like “hey. vampire elf (he was a vampire too by the way) do you even know who i am?” and he was like “no” and i was like “that sucks” and threw holy water at him. he burned up on the spot it was super anticlimactic. derk has said in the past that not all of my problems can be solved by lighting things on fire but there is a good chance that i became the first person to start a fire with only water . thats so cool of me…..  
the first snow elf gave us the bow we were after. the one we saw earlier. not the first snow elf ever. i mean he totally could be the first snow elf ever but i highly doubt it.  
me and the gang stormed the vampire castle and the argonian strike force + serana killed lord harkon . it was pretty fun . harkon did say some very mean things about me though. im very upset that he would lie about me being less than perfect to accuse me of scandal and misconduct when there is more than a fair share of scandal and misconduct that i am actually guilty of.  
i also took one of the dogs. i was very attached to bran he is a good boy which is lucky because isran had already laid claim to the other one. sceolang? its the closest im gonna get to spelling it correctly.  
oh serana’s gonna stick around with me and derk . we are truly unstoppable now ………….

bye


	22. bunyip's first existential crisis

i am just home hangin out with the girls . my kids are literally so cool i have not met a person this cool before . let alone two . ohhhh i should absolutely take them to whiterun and introduce them to mila and carlotta thatd be so fun !!  
after i go to solitude though . its weird but for a few days ive had this urge to go to solitude ?? its odd im gonna write as i go because there is no chance im going to remember every weird thing that happens to me.

ok me derk n serana are on odahviing rightnow its very difficult to write properly

right so we just got into solitude and that beggar i met ages ago who is a self proclaimed madman would not leave me alone and i think hes why im meant to be here so im gonna do what he wants me to.

its been a hot minute, i needed a key to get into the pelagius wing of the blue palace and its like every single scale on me is dragging me there but i wasnt allowed the key until i killed some necromancers. i was paying attention this time, but i dont remember it all too well. it was about an hour ago.

im in the wing now it feels so strange . its like im at home but also in a place i shouldnt be? if that makes sense----

ok. ok. ok. i got knocked out im alone and in party clothes this is like the thalmor embassy all over again . i have none of my stuff but this is still here which is good . its something at least. i think i see a table up ahead theres someone there ill check it out. 

i dont have a quill. im not even writing, my thoughts are just . entering the book. come to think of it i dont know if i ever have had a quill. 

ok this man is not a mortal hes gotta be a daedric prince or something. he has to be. he seems too familiar. like i knew of sanguine and boethiah and meridia but they arent familiar like this guy is. 

hes sheogorath he says . i knew he was sheogorath before i knew he was here . what the fuck is going on

he gave me the wabbajack and sent me to do things its all a blur i need answers i dont know what my questions are but i need them answered

im done im heading back to where he was i need to ask him whats going on . is it all a trick ? he is the prince of madness that would make sense. yeah thats gotta be it . maybe ive been in here too long maybe im going mad . but it doesnt feel like im being altered, more like im more me than ive ever been?

hes talking to me but his mouth is moving faster than his words. i wish i could do that its so cool . its like his words are out of sync with his mouth . “its been a while” hes telling me . ive never met him before, have i?  
“what is it the mortals do with their spawn? play catch? never was too certain, im much too busy to bother with that sort of thing.“ what does he mean is he my dad or something . thatd be so funny could you imagine.

“far too late for that now anyway, you’re all grown! how proud of you i am, my boy, all the ruckus youve caused and innocents youve tormented! just how many have you driven to madness, do you think? ah, no use putting a number to it, eh?”

its not that funny actually and i dont have to imagine. i ask him to explain.

“to put it bluntly, the big man akatosh himself lost a bet to little old me, meaning i got his next dragonborn to do with as i please! i couldnt bare to stand by and let the next demigod be a boring one, now could i?”

what am i?

“that is a tricky one, tricky indeed… not quite a demiprince but not quite a demigod. youre the first of your type! isnt that just lovely?”

what does this mean for me?

“you are full of questions, arent you? i suppose i can hardly blame you. you do ask the tough ones, dont you?”

was the bet a good one, at least?

“now THERE’S a good question. one i dont think i’ll answer, though. where’s the fun in just telling you?”

“now, i do think youve got business to attend to. think of all the power you could hold if you slithered your way to the top of another faction, its marvelous! i do think you should be going, before you forget how to and all. say hello to the prince of pastries if you see her!”

im sat on the floor. derkeethus is sat next to me, hes asking questions but i cant hear him.  
is my personality who i am, or what i am?  
am i who i am because i have made myself that way, or because it is who i was made to be?  
i wanted to become a god, but was that just driven by my nature as… as whatever it is that i am?  
is anything about me authentic?  
do i act with free will, or does my nature as what i am prevent me from even thinking about doing something out of character?

i dont know.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The diary of Yaztromo](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25354324) by [Andromeda_Collision](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andromeda_Collision/pseuds/Andromeda_Collision)




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